Letters To You #1

I'm sorry that I'm so bad at relationships.

I'm sorry I made you feel like you had to hold onto our relationship.

When we started dating, I thought it was going to be easy. I thought our arguments would not stand in the way of our relationship, because that's how it felt to me. I didn't know how horrible it was for you.

Yes, I know that you've tried to tell me in your own way. Cutting yourself, trying to take time offs and things like that. To be honest, I didn't know what to do. When I first heard that you cut yourself, I had no idea what I was supposed to do. Was it me? Was it you? I didn't know. I panicked, and I just put it away. I'm sorry I put away your feelings instead of acknowledging them.

Remember when I tried to hear your feelings out when I took you to The Club? You couldn't open up to me, and I didn't know why. I didn't know what to do. To be honest, I feel like we didn't talk about our problems enough, if at all. You never clearly told me, and I never acknowledged or figure out what to do. Yes, you can say you've shown signs, and I'm sorry I'm bad at relationships and listening to those little hints. I needed something direct and explicit.

Then, one month before we broke up, we had a big argument over the same thing. Then, you showed me this video about verbal abuse and being too attached. It was only then I realized that I had to change. Before that, I only told myself that I would 'try not to hurt you', but without a clear plan and strategy, I was bound to fail. Once I saw the video, I knew I had to come up with something. So, I started by not being petty about replies, and I did a good job. You told me that. I was really happy that I was finally making a good change, and that we were seeing results.

Then, our next argument came. Perhaps for the first time, it wasn't for the same thing. I felt like you cared more about being right than my feelings, and you perhaps thought that there was nothing wrong with what you did, which is true. I tried to keep myself in check and keep my emotions under control, then our conversation got heated and eventually triggered me, and I did nothing to stop it. Why? Because I had no plan.

After you decided to break up with me, that was when I first realized the amount of things that I have to do. It wasn't just about replies, it's about me being insecure unnecessarily, controlling, fearing uncertainty, and most of all not controlling my emotions and getting angry at you all the time and blaming you and expecting you to apologize.

I know that you might not trust me anymore, but I can do better. When I realized I was being too petty about your replies, I changed for the better and even you said that. For 11 months, I didn't change not because it was part of who I am, but because I didn't know what I needed to do. And now, when I know what to do, you don't want it anymore. You don't trust me to not hurt you.

I know I can still make you happy. Although you try your best to be cold and not laugh when I approach you, I can still catch you holding your giggles in, you cutie pie.

From now on, I will make a few promises to you :

1. I will never, ever hurt you with my anger again. Whenever I feel emotional, I will definitely take time off and talk about it nicely with you after that. I won't let you get hurt again. I think that's the main problem that you needed to solve.
2. I won't choke you by being controlling anymore. I know sometimes I complain when you want to go out with friends though you haven't went out with me for a long time, and that makes you feel like you lost your freedom. No more, okay? My insecurities are my problems, and although I might still feel insecure from time to time, I won't let it affect your decision to go out or have fun. I'll just manja with you nicely once you're back with me again.
3. I'll actually show you that I love you. For 11 months, I have not been putting in the effort I should have. I'm sorry, I'm ready to change that and make you feel loved.


I know right now, you don't want me. You're tired of it all. You don't trust me not to hurt you anymore. But as time passes, you will feel better, and I hope that you will open up to me again. I want to be the boy that makes you happy all the time, not just some of the times. Let's start over, okay? I won't be the one who takes away your freedom or chokes you with my insecurities anymore. I do love you, and our differences don't mean that we can't be together. In fact, most couples are different from each other, working differences and those things out are what makes their love strong.

Please, give me another chance. You sure as hell know that if I get the chance, I will change for the better. If there's anything else you want to solve with me, please just let me know directly this time.

You might say that I don't have to change for you and that someone else will appreciate me for who I am, but I genuinely feel that everything I have been doing is objectively wrong, regardless of who I do it too. These things do not define me, and I won't let them. Besides, I only want you to appreciate me.

I'm ready to accept you for who you are, finally.